When I am sad, I write. This piece was written with the intention of beginning some sort of story, a novel perhaps. Instead, it turned into this: my feelings, explained the only way I know how.
Numb. I’m lying in bed the day after and I feel nothing. Or do I feel sluggish? I can’t tell. Last night, I tried so hard to stay awake for if the day never ended, a new one wouldn’t begin: a new day without the most gentle soul in the world. What an injustice. What a tragedy.
I lie in bed as 12pm comes around, too quickly followed by 1pm. Will I ever get up? Is my housemate wondering what the hell I’m doing lying in bed at 2pm? Is she judging me? I can’t move. I don’t want to move. I finally fell asleep and the new day began but maybe it won’t truly begin until I get up. So I won’t. I’m not getting up. I don’t even need a wee. I’m staying here in my bed all day and I’m numb. I am so numb and yet so heartbroken.
Did anybody know how much he meant to me? If I tell them now, will they think it’s a ploy for attention? Will they believe me or think I’ve made it all up now that he’s gone?
“Oh, of course he was everything to you; funny how you never mentioned that when he was alive though.”
Maybe I didn’t talk about him enough. Some people knew about him. Some people knew what he did for me but those people aren’t in my life anymore. I don’t need to talk about that time anymore. So the people in my life now, they have no idea. I don’t think I told them. How can I tell them now? But they need to know. The world must know how perfect he was, how lovely he was, how he meant more than anything to me.
He is gone. He is gone and I will never see him again. I am 100 miles away and he is in the ground. I don’t even know where he’s buried. Who am I? How can I be this upset and be so far away? Do I have the right to be sad? I should have been there. I couldn’t be there. He knew I loved him. He wasn’t alone. I was. I was alone and now he is gone. He is gone and I am alone, lying in bed, never moving for I never want to face a world that doesn’t have him in it. Maybe I’m not so numb after all.