I’ve had Galvanize stuck in my head for the last two days which explains the title of this post but also speaks to the heart a bit this week.
I’m not sure if it’s because I recently moved back to the town where I grew up and everything is EXACTLY THE SAME or if it’s because I have that little voice in my head that tells me that things will go wrong but I’ve been struggling a lot recently to do what makes me happy (and, more importantly, just me for me).
I have always felt somewhat controlled by the people around me. Whether they mean to or not, I am more a people pleaser than anything else and I have a hard time saying no if it will make somebody else happier or, most commonly, my life a little easier.
I am not an argumentative person and I will find every way possible to avoid confrontation. I let people tell me what to do. I don’t do what I want because somebody else doesn’t want me to. I don’t follow my goals and my dreams because people tell me that it’s wrong and stupid and unlikely to get me very far.
In some ways, I have overcome this. I didn’t want to go to university but everybody else wanted me to go so I “compromised” and went but did a course that nobody thought I should do (who gets a job doing Film Studies?). In fact, I once found out that somebody close to me was so embarrassed that I studied Film, they told their friends I was at nursing school! As much as I’d love to be a midwife (babies everywhere omg), I could never do it. I don’t have the brains, for one, but I also don’t have the patience. Nurses and other medical professionals are the bravest, strongest and most selfless people on this Earth and I could never compare. (I also need lots of sleep.)
Anyway, my “compromises” don’t always work out and I just end up down in the dumps and hating myself. Isn’t it time that I started doing things for me?
This morning, I almost did just that. I almost invested in something people really don’t want me to do but I want it so I thought, “Why not enquire? What’s the worst that could happen?” This thing is a waiting game, which is good because it gives me time to think (and hold onto my money) but bad because it gives me time to think. Thinking, in my case, means worrying.
“What if they hate me? What if this starts loads of arguments? What if things get worse and I never do anything for myself ever again because I’m too scared of the repercussions?”
Put simply, I’m a wimp. I didn’t stand up for myself when I was younger and I’m paying for it now with these overbearing thoughts that tell me that making myself happy won’t make other people happy.
Is there a happy middle? I think it’s time I tried to find it. With age comes confidence, and with confidence comes a bit more control of your own life. Or so I’m told…
Until next time, folks, thanks for letting me rant a bit and props to you if you’re still reading. So long…
P.S. I also graduated during the time I’ve been away from WordPress! It was amazing and emotional and I’m still in denial massively but I DID IT! Hooray for me!